Archive for March, 2012

Anger Room

Mad at your spouse? Dumped by your sweetie? Hate your boss because he’s an idiot who didn’t give you the promotion you deserved? Kids driving you crazy? In-laws overstay their welcome? Well now you can resolve all your anger issues. There’s a room called the ‘Anger Room’ inDallas,Texasthat is designed for people to let go of their anger by busting stuff up. You can get all your anger out at $25 for five minutes. A person can do a lot of smashing and breaking in five minutes. For an additional fee the room can be made to resemble your office. I think the next logical step is to hang pictures of those your angry with (it’ll keep you focused.)

At present it was reported that restaurant employees and people who work in hospitals are the number one customers. It makes sense that those who work with the public would have stress and anger. I think this trend is sure to grow.  At the end of a bad day what can be better than knowing you can go somewhere and release all your anger; when your times up you’ll be happy and spent and ready to face the world. You will no longer snap at your kids, bite off your spouses head for a stupid mistake or cut your grandma off in traffic.

Wouldn’t it be great if all future homes came equipped with an ‘Anger Room’? It would be the “WOW” factor as some real estate agents like to say and will one day replace basements as the homebuyers must have room. I don’t know where real estate agents rank on the customer list, but since they work with the public I would guess they’d come in at number three.

My husband and I recently went to restaurant that offered complimentary dessert. Each customer was allowed one cone of soft serve ice cream or you could have a pickle – why a pickle would be considered dessert I don’t know. Since the cone was two inches in length I figured they were weren’t losing any money on the deal. That was until my husband showed up. Let’s just say my husband is a man who gets his fair share and then some. After his meal he went over to the ice cream station. He took a cone and filled it to the top – again and again. He filled it one cones worth. He filled it two cones worth. He filled it three cones worth, four cones worth and five cones worth. I stopped counting at ten. When done it appeared the ice cream was virtually suspended in air. I was curious as to how he would make it back to the table without spilling any; but, like a high wire act – the ice cream may have teethed but it never fell. When it came time to eat it he licked it quickly enough that not a drop melted on the table. He’s the type of person to get a cone on a hot summer day and finish it before it gets messy. Me, on the other hand would have ice cream on my blouse, hands and nose.

Although sitting across from him in the restaurant, watching him eat his twenty foot cone I must admit I was melting from embarrassment as the other customers watched him. As for customers being allowed one cone, well, my husband proved he knows how to beat the system.

Has anybody ever heard of Chi Walking? Chi Walking is a type of walking that incorporates elements of tai chi, yoga and Pilates. By emphasizing good posture, loosening joints, engaging core muscles and relaxing the arms and legs this approach makes walking easier on the body.  If you follow the five steps you can walk with balance, purpose and direction.

I must admit I’ve never given much thought to how I walk – I just walk. I’m always intrigued by the people I see on my walks. North Carolina has a lot of ‘half backs,’ people who moved to Florida from New York, decided it was to damn hot and moved back half way – NC. On my walks I can always spot a northerner, a southerner and a ‘half back.’

It’s the in-between temperatures that highlight the differences in these people place of origin. When it’s a comfortable 65 degrees the three different groups will dress three different ways.

The northerners (like me) will dress appropriately in short sleeves and lightweight pants.

The southerners will dress like an Eskimo in a wool coat, hat and scarf and fur lined boots. The weathermen will gripe about the frigid temperatures.

The ‘half backs’ will dress in shorts, flip-flops, a sweatshirt, jacket and gloves.

I saw a baby being pushed in a stroller by her mother and father. I could tell the mother was a southerner, the father was a northerner and the baby was doomed. What do you expect from a mixed marriage?

But, it doesn’t matter how one dresses just so long as they walk with balance, purpose and direction – be it north, south or the halfway mark.

Happy birthday!  The Oreo cookie turns 100 years old today. The Oreo cookie has been near and dear to my heart for as long as I can remember. Why, when my mother was breastfeeding me I looked up at her and asked, “You got any Oreos to go with this milk?” That’s how much I love them.

In my public speaking class in high school when we had to demonstrate a particular talent I demonstrated how the ways one can eat an Oreo. I showed how to eat it by first separating it (which more women than men do.) I showed how to eat it whole (which more men than women do.) I demonstrated how to separate it and then scrape the filling from one side and pile it on the other. One classmate cried when I did this. I showed how to dunk the cookie in milk and eat it. Normally, I never do this, but I wanted an A in the course. So, I sat in front of the class with all eyes on me doing what I would normally do at home. I find it ironic that I got an A in my public speaking class for which I did a lot of eating and very little talking. So, my thanks to the Oreo and here’s hoping you’re around for 100 more.

Being a person of short stature I have had conversations with men where I’m eye level with their tie. I have had conversations with women where I’m eye level with their heaving bosom. But the scariest conversation was recently.

I was watching him talk. I saw his lips moving. I know words were coming out, but I had no idea what he was saying. As he talked I kept thinking whether or not I was going to be sucked up into the deep, dark vortex, otherwise known as his nose. This thought was front and center as I spoke to my neighbor who’s a lot taller than me. He likes to stand close when we talk and since I have to look up to see his face I wind up staring straight up his nose, with the very wide nostrils. Looking up his nostrils is like looking at theGrand Canyon– you have to take in small sections at a time. And since he’s a heavy breather I fear being sucked up into one every time he takes a breath. Luckily for me he didn’t have a booger hanging from his nose. I hate to think what would happen if he had sneezed on the woman with the heaving bosom.

My story Even Happy Marriages Need Frequent Review now appears on divinecaroline. To read my submission click:

Virgin Atlantic’s newest first-class cabin (Upper Class Dream Suite) is getting a “whispering coach” to teach crew members how to whisper properly when lights are dimmed.

The whispering coach reported that whispering “soothes and relaxes passengers.”

In theory this sounds like a good idea, but the reality is it probably won’t work. People can’t be persuaded to be hushed. Go to any library (a place known for whispering) and you’ll know what I’m talking about. Libraries used to be places where people spoke in hushed tones using their inside voice. If you spoke louder than a whisper you were reprimanded with a Shh… and a glare.

Now, go into a library and you’ll find the only people whispering are the librarians. Everybody else is busy talking on their phones using their outside voice. The author’s words from the book you’re reading talk to you but it’s hard to hear them with everybody else talking at the same time. A “whispering coach” may be just the thing a library needs. A coach can whisper when he tells you to “Get the hell outside or turn off your phone.” Of course the roar of applause would have to be toned down.

Why, if Dickens was to write his classic, ‘A Tale of Two Cities,” today he would have to change his opening line to, ‘It was a quiet time. It was a noisy time.’

Just wanted to let you know that my book Deal With Life’s Stress With A Little Humor, was published today as a multi-format ebook by Smashwords. As many of you know, the book holds 50 humor columns and is sure to have you rolling in the aisles with laughter or at least bring a smile to your lips and heart. I hope you’ll take the time to check it out at Smashwords, where you can sample the first 20% of the book for free.

Here’s the link to my author profile:

Here’s the direct link to my book page, where you can sample or purchase the book:

Won’t you also take a moment to spread the word about my book to everyone you know?

Thank you so much for your support!



The More the Merrier

Polyamory is a growing trend. Polyamory is relationships with multiple, mutually consenting partners. Think of the movie Bob, Carol, Ted and Alice. I watched a news interview where one woman and her two male partners talked about their lifestyle. They raved about how great their living arrangement was and how there was an equal amount of quality time for all involved.

I believe if there are two male partners or two female partners that eventually it will evolve into a sibling rivalry relationship. Sure, at the beginning there’s enough love and passion to go around. But, with time one partner will become the old shoe. The old shoe is the dependable, sensible one who is a source of comfort. Mr. Old Shoe will become jealous of the still passionate partner who’s obviously the favorite. Resentment grows as Mr. Old Shoe is placed on the sex schedule three days a week while Mr. Passionate is on four days a week. Resentment will overflow when Mr. Old Shoe is removed from the sex schedule and Mr. Passionate is on eight times (twice on Sun.)

Rivalry blooms as Mr. Old Shoe changes the diapers that Mr. Passionate conceived. When kids come along things will change yet again as Mr. Passionate goes from passionate to Pa. Eventually Old Shoe and Pa will settle into the role of a typical husband. They will pretend to listen when the female speaks. They will make promises they intend to keep. They will accuse her of extreme nagging when she asks them to do something. Both will profess their love for her and walk hand-in- hand with her. If she slips on a patch of ice one or both will let go of her hand and let her slide on her butt. When I’m walking with my husband and I slip on a patch of ice he’ll let go of my hand because as he says, “I’m not going down with you.”

Hmm… on second thought polyamory may not be such a bad thing. At least I stand a 50-50 chance of someone catching my back, or in my case – my butt.