Virgin Atlantic’s newest first-class cabin (Upper Class Dream Suite) is getting a “whispering coach” to teach crew members how to whisper properly when lights are dimmed.

The whispering coach reported that whispering “soothes and relaxes passengers.”

In theory this sounds like a good idea, but the reality is it probably won’t work. People can’t be persuaded to be hushed. Go to any library (a place known for whispering) and you’ll know what I’m talking about. Libraries used to be places where people spoke in hushed tones using their inside voice. If you spoke louder than a whisper you were reprimanded with a Shh… and a glare.

Now, go into a library and you’ll find the only people whispering are the librarians. Everybody else is busy talking on their phones using their outside voice. The author’s words from the book you’re reading talk to you but it’s hard to hear them with everybody else talking at the same time. A “whispering coach” may be just the thing a library needs. A coach can whisper when he tells you to “Get the hell outside or turn off your phone.” Of course the roar of applause would have to be toned down.

Why, if Dickens was to write his classic, ‘A Tale of Two Cities,” today he would have to change his opening line to, ‘It was a quiet time. It was a noisy time.’

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