The other day I was in a store looking at Christmas trees. The thing that perturbed me more than the fact that stores were set up before we’ve had a chance to eat our Thanksgiving turkey was that some trees were super model skinny – like Twiggy. Where are you supposed to string the lights and hang a ball? Is this a new trend that I’m not aware of? Have our artificial trees stopped eating artificial ingredients and lost weight? The impression I got was if you hung one ball on tree it would fall over like Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree. Where do people put skinny trees; their broom closet? I didn’t notice the price, but I wonder if skinny trees cost more than fat trees, much the same way one thong from Victoria Secret cost five times more than a package of Hanes underwear, which holds 5.

The whole idea of a big tree is to fill the bottom with presents. Isn’t it? With a skinny tree you put a tuna fish can underneath and you’re done. This is why I think these trees won’t go over well with kids. Who wants a can of tuna for Christmas?

People think of the empty space beneath a fat tree the way they do a big, empty grocery cart – it must be filled. If it’s not overflowing with high calorie, high fat foods you don’t need, then you’re a disappointing consumer. The bigger the cart, the more you buy. One day carts will be the size of hummers.

Go into a yogurt bar and you’ll notice two size cups – large and extra large. Why? Do we really need that much yogurt? No, but the store needs for you to take more, so they can make more. Small and skinny are two words forbidden. Although, I wouldn’t be surprised if come Christmas, my local yogurt bar decorates the place with skinny trees. Why, it would be near impossible for big cups and big trees to coexist in one place.

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