I read a magazine article that listed Santa’s health tips for the average person to follow. I’ll go over some with you.

Tip No. 1- Climb chimneys (figuratively speaking). Sitting less than three hours a day can add years to your life. It’s true Santa climbs chimneys one night a year and who knows how much exercise he gets the rest of the time. He may sit on the couch watching Honey Boo-Boo.

Tip No 2 – Get a reindeer (a pet) – having a pet has been shown to lower blood pressure and cholesterol. Santa’s pets serve a second purpose and that is to act as chauffeur. Think of it. How many people have pets that drive them around? Sweet. This is good for the big guy as he never has to hail a cab or ride the subway. His ride is always on time and there’s never been a report of a reindeer collision; at least that I know of.

Tip No. 3 – Hand out toys (do generous works). It said handing out toys can create the same dopamine-fueled euphoria as sex and food (milk, cookies). Santa may feel happy handing out gifts once a year, but for the rest of the year I think he stays happy by enjoying milk and cookies. Think of it… the guy has a list of health tips and he’s still fat? Why is that? It’s because he takes home all the cookies left out for him on Christmas Eve and eats them throughout the year. Why if Santa adhered to his own health tips he’d be as skinny as a super model.

But then again if he ever became a model he’d become grumpy. Anyone would be grumpy if the only thing they ate all day was a carrot stick. But, since nobody wants a grumpy Santa, we cut him some slack and a piece of pie.

The man lives with high maintenance reindeer that drive while tipsy and temperamental elves that are always threatening to strike. If this was your life wouldn’t you indulge in cookies and spiked eggnog to stay jolly? Think of it.

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