Today I went shopping and got the cart with the squeaky wheel. Don’t you just hate it when you get the squeaky wheel or wobbly wheel? It didn’t start squeaking till I was halfway through the store and it was loud enough to attract attention. A wobbly wheel doesn’t draw attention, but it is harder to steer. You can’t fix a wobbly wheel the way you can change a flat tire on a car. There’s no roadside assistance. There’s no spare in the trunk. There’s no trunk.

Sometimes I wish carts came equipped with horns. With a horn you could scare the crap out of the shoppers who park their cart smack dab in the middle of the aisle. It would be fun to see them jump while they’re reading the nutrition label on a box of Fruit Loops.

Carts should also be equipped with bumpers. The last time I went to Wal-Mart the guy in front of me in line, paid for his stuff and walked off, leaving his cart at the register. If I had a bumper cart I would have rammed his cart, knocking into him, hitting him at the ankles. And if you’ve been involved in this type of collision then you know how painful it is. Usually this happens to me in the summer when my ankles go unprotected, heightening their vulnerability to the pain. With eyes blurred by tears I want to scream and cry simultaneously.

It’s always the inattentive driver (the one who’s looking sideways while going straight) that causes such collisions. One good, loud honk of the horn would do the job. Should they drop the egg carton they’re holding so be it.

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