Archive for February, 2012

I read a magazine article titled ‘7 Things Your Marriage Counselor Wants You to Know.’ I’ll list 4 of them.

1: If you want a pity party go elsewhere: it’s not the counselor’s job to sit and cry with the woman. Their job is to help make your marriage better. I couldn’t agree more and that’s why if a woman wants pity she should turn to her best friend, after all, isn’t that what they’re for. A best friend listens and takes your side: if they didn’t they’d be an ex-best friend.

2: Go ahead and argue: arguing allows the counselor to gain an understanding of each other’s feelings. I think we can agree that the prevalent feeling between a couple in marriage counseling is hatred. Why, it’s because of all the yelling and screaming the couple entered counseling in the first place.

3: The counselor is not there to provide you with the answers. A therapist won’t tell you what to do as you’ll become dependent on them instead of making your own decisions. Hmm… this said, I wonder what kind of friend a counselor would make – they won’t sit and cry with you and they don’t give you any answer. I wouldn’t put this friend in my speed dial.

4: Let go of the past. You have to get over past anger because forgiveness means moving on. I think if you’re looking to win an argument, yet you’re on shaky ground you must bring up the past. Sure, it might be hitting below the belt, but in the heat of the moment you must take your opponent out.

But, as a footnote, let me add that once a woman enters menopause she won’t bring up the past as she won’t be able to remember it. Heck, she won’t be able to remember anything. So, men if you could stick with it to the menopause years you will be rewarded.

Until then – fight clean and fight fair, but if you can’t fight fair, you’ll probably win.

The woman driving in front of me was swerving back and forth. When I pulled alongside her at the traffic light I noticed she was talking on her cell. I tried giving her a signal to hang up, but she was too involved in her conversation to notice.

Lately there’s been talk about what is the best signal to give a motorist to ‘hang up the phone.’ It’s become such a hot topic that the advice column in my local paper printed suggestions sent in by readers.

Personally, I don’t think we need to worry whether we’re sending the right signal, I think we need to worry more about the person who receives the signal. Before you send it you must consider two things: 1) are they a sane, logical person who will get the hint and comply or: 2) are they some crazy person ready to commit a road rage act.

Getting into an altercation could mean someone will come at you and your car with a bat, or if they’re lazy, they’ll roll down the window and shoot at you from their car, which makes for a quick getaway.

Remember the days when all we had to worry about was drunks behind the wheel? Remember the days when people left home without a cell phone because they couldn’t rip it off the kitchen wall? Remember the days when you gained personal satisfaction from slamming down the phone on the person you were arguing with? I was a ‘master slammer,’ as I would slam the phone down and for emphasis pick it up and then slam it a couple more times. I always took advantage of the opportunity for dramatics.

With cell phones one can not end a conversation with such flair. There is no satisfaction in abruptly ending a call by pressing a tiny button. The person at the other end doesn’t get the just how mad you are.

It would be nice if they had a phone slamming app. Why, you would be able to piss off two people at once – the person you’re talking to and the person alongside you in traffic.

Some people are huggers and some are not. I’m not a hugger. Yesterday I received a one-arm hug which is when the other person’s holding something in one hand so he hugs you with the free arm. I don’t mind this type of hug as you have an emergency exit if the hug is long enough to make those around you pop corn and get comfy.

I like one-arm huggers better than the bear-crusher – the person who grabs you with both arms, slams their body against your, crushes every bone in your body and knocks the wind out of you. When they’re done they toss you aside like a rag doll.

The shy hugger leans in from the chest up, keeping their waist and buttocks at a distance. These people can’t make a full commitment. Shy huggers are cousins with limp hand shakers – they shake with fingertips only. Why bother?

The bone crusher handshake is cousin to the bear crusher hugger. The worse possible scenario is to get a one-arm bear crusher hug and a bone crusher handshake simultaneously.

All this makes me wish we greeted each other the way the Japanese do and bow. There’s no chance of injury, unless you stand to close and head butt each other.